*sighs*

I'm feeling:

Hey, it's me again *lol* I can't get enough.. can I? *lol*
I know.. I know I wrote here yesterday.. you just read my last entry. But something happened and I just felt the urge to write about it. To let it all out, ya know? I still don't know if I'm gonna end up posting this.. but if you're reading it, it means I did *lol* Oh I'm so smart.. *lol*
Before I start telling you what happened today, I gotta explain something. Do you remember the elevator story? Nope, not the fanfic.. the real story! Well, I guess I'll give the highlights for you to understand what happened.
Some time ago, I was getting home after a party when I met my neighbour.. (who I kinda fancied) and he kissed me. On the elevator. You see, when things happen in my life, they do it in a very noticeable way *lol* Anyway, he's.. like.. 4 or 5 years older than me.. so, at that time, I freaked out and rejected him. A few days later, I found out he had a gf. So basically, he cheated on her.. with me. He, the neighbour I've known for my whole life. *lol* Nothing too amazing happened afterwards.. just a bit of awkwardness everytime we met.. on the elevator *lol*
Anyway, when I woke up today, it was just another day.. nothing outta the ordinary. I was having breakfast when my mom told me, so outta the blue, that my neighbour (yeah, the same guy from the elevator) was getting married today. Yeah, like you hear it. Married.
Is it wrong to say I felt like crap? I know I shouldn't feel like that. I tried to hide it.. I think I did it pretty well, cause no one could tell.. but it still felt awful. And then my mind started to wonder.. I got this.. regrets I know I shouldn't be having.. but I just can't help it. I've been thinking about the marriage thing.. about him all day long. I don't even know if they're going to live in this building or look for an apartment somewhere else. And you know what's weird? A part of me wants him to go away so I won't see him anymore.. but then, the other part wants him to stay and maybe get a chance.. But a chance? What for? He's married. And then I start to wonder. He likes me, I know he does.. he said it himself. And he cheated on her once.. with me. Why wouldn't he do it again? But even if he would cheat on her, I'm always going to be the girl in the middle, the other.. the intruder. And I think I deserve better, right? Still, I can't get him out of my head. Even before I knew about the marriage thing I was thinking about him.. like.. wanting to meet him somehow. The other day I got the feeling I was about to meet him but I didn't. And I keep getting the "What if..?" thing I hate so much. What if I hadn't rejected him like I did? What if I met him on the elevator again? What if.. what if.. and it's not nice.. nope, not nice. What's worse is that now I'm feeling this desire to get a so-called revenge.. that is, getting a guy.. like.. right now. Which is a bad thing cause I'm probably gonna end up hurting him.. as well as hurting myself. And I know I'm rambling, but I just needed to let it all out, ya know? It ain't going to change things.. but it can help me to feel a bit better..