[Random] The subway

Sunday evening. Uneventful day.
Going back home. Dreading getting back to work on the very next morning.
Getting downstairs to the subway station. Moisty hot air blowing my dark brown hair.
Subway's eyes coming my way. Staring. Blinding.

Car stops in front of me. Doors open. I get in. Crowded.
I see room in a seat between two women. I sneak myself in.
And then, I look up.

I see him. Sitting across me. Tall, dark blond hair. Paying too much attention to his cellphone until he looks up as well. Deep blue eyes see me. A staring battle begins. I lose.

I try to battle again. He's still staring. Eyes saying so much. He loses. I smile.
Gets back to his cellphone. The next stop is coming. Stares again. Grabs his bag and gets up.

Car stops. Doors open. He gets out.
Looks my way. One final stare. Doors close. We lose.

Of love and other things

Love yourself.

I keep repeating that to myself, over and over and over again. Yet there is always that one moment that you choose not to do it. And make bad, nasty decisions. Or think of making them anyway. The weakness of the soul, of the body, of everything in between. The need to feel somewhat loved. And the search for it in all the wrong places.

The story of my life, really. It's not entirely their fault that all guys who show up are already involved with someone or unwilling to take it any further. Sometimes I feel as if I unconsciously look for that kind of guys. Fear of commitment maybe? I wouldn't know - I don't think I have it, but maybe deep inside?

A guy I met last year told me that it was hard to know if I liked him or not because I wasn't giving him any signs.  What if my problem is that I don't know how to show a guy that I like him?

Love is a mystery to me. I thought I had fallen in love but now I'm sure it wasn't it real. Not the kind of love I imagine I should have felt. Damn the movies. Maybe so many years of watching these perfect love stories on film really ruined us. Why settle for average love when the other kind exists? Which leads me to another question... does it exist?

I choose to believe that it does, and that it's so elusive and distant and hard to get because it's worth it. Because it's fragile and must be handled with care. Because it must be appreciated and cherished and, why not, treasured. I chose to believe that real love exists because if it doesn't... then... the world would be a very sad and empty place.

Embrace yourself

A new year is here and I'm ready to receive it with open arms. A much needed change is so very welcome!
I know it's silly to think that things will get better just by torning the last page of the 2013 calendar but, still, it's just impossible not to feel renewed, as if you're off to a brand new beginning and another chance to make up for all the bad decisions we made.

2013 was bad for me relationship-wise. I hope that blocking my ex-boyfriend on my Whats App account is just the first step of many, many others towards happiness and peace of mind! Might seem light-hearted and merely shallow, but it's not just that: today I realized that other people can only see in you what you see in yourself first. It sounds a bit like a tonguetwister, but I believe now that if you want someone to notice you and like you, you first have to like yourself and learn to accept your flaws, embrace them and just live with them. In one short sentence, bring your best self out.

That's my plan for 2014. It's not going to be easy, but nothing truly worth ever is.

Being faithful is NOT overrated

Relationships.
Stressful. Chaotic. Time bombs about to explode.
But also fulfilling, passionate and necessary for a healthy life.
Can't live with them, can't live without them.

It's been almost a year since my "problems in Paradise" began with my now ex-boyfriend. One year. Anyone would consider it's enough time for someone to change, forget and grow up. But no, seriously no. In this case it seems a decade wouldn't be enough time for him.

This might seem written out of anger, however it's not. It's disillusion. Complete and utter disappointment towards the person I spent two years of my life with. Don't get me wrong, it's not the first time he disappoints me, but somehow I expected more of him this time. To put it bluntly, a year ago we broke up because he cheated on me. Allegedly, he was in love with her. So perfect, he starts to date her, makes her his girlfriend - this was perfect for my ego, just perfect! haha - and now, a year later he cowardly sends me a text message to ask me if I want to meet him for sex. Seriously..?

As much as I would like to get back at her for "stealing" my man, does he really think it's a good idea? Come on! Why can't some guys stay faithfull? I mean, if you're not happy in your relationship, just have the balls to talk to your partner and break up ffs! I'm tired of cheaters. I'm tired of not being able to trust blindly, 100% in someone. I think my replacement has enough of a burden right under her nose, no need for any kind of revenge from my side!

I've never cheated because I didn't need to. I've been the "other woman", which I'm not proud of, but I never cheated. Didn't ever cross my mind because that's not how I deal with my relationship's problems. Then why does he keep on doing the same over and over again?

Where are all the good faithful men who will give hope to this otherwise lame relationship world?

Clinged

Whoa. Twice in a day posting here. I can't fool anyone though, the other post was written over 2 years ago! Truth is that I got the writing itch once more. Talk about the need to express yourself, huh?

Today I find myself not surrounded by the online-people that used to populate this blog with sweet comments. I guess that at some point of our lives we took different roads and fell apart. We were once united by the love for a pop band and, though we still love them, it just turned silly to be talking about a boyband at the age of 27. I have to admit that this band is still my guilty pleasure, though I guess it's also a way of not letting go of what I once loved to death and made SO happy (and also incredibly annoying!).

Nowadays people laugh when you say to them "I like the Backstreet Boys" (feel free to insert the name of the guilty pleasure of your choice). But hey, I'm not ashamed of that... I think it's brave to admit it instead of hiding it. I dare anyone around my age to keep themselves from singing a song like I Want It That Way! Who doesn't know that tune??

Anyway, back on the topic of old friends, despite the fact that I still see what they are up to thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook, I feel like I don't know what to talk about when it comes to them. I know so much about them and yet.. something is missing. It's mesmerizing the fact that it's almost been 10 years since I first started talking to most of them and I wonder if they miss the old days sometimes.

I dislike the fact that I'm sometimes too attached to what happened instead of what could do. Clinged to the past instead of the future. I guess it happens to everyone from time to time. I hope.

Maybe all these thoughts are coming to me out of some sort of melancholy because I'm moving out. Maybe because I'm now single after a rocky relationship. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older. Or maybe only my way to be. Who knows?